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First Nine Days
The Gift
The Gift
In Loving Memory
For Bob Borchers and his strong family,
You’re all held in our love, thoughts, and prayers.
Do not grieve for me, for now I am free
I’m following the path God laid for me.
I saw His face, I heard His call,
I took his hand and left it all.
I could not stay another day
to laugh,
to love,
to work,
to play.
Tasks left undone must stay that way.
And if my parting has left a void,
then fill it with remembered joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss;
Ah yes, these things, I too, shall miss.
My life’s been full, I savored much.
Good friends, good times, a loved ones touch.
Perhaps my time seems all too brief;
Don’t shorten yours with undue grief.
Be not burdened with times of sorrow
Enjoy the sunshine of tomorrow.
-Linda Jo Jackson
Let It Begin
There are no doubts in my mind that within a month or so, I will wonder what my old life was like. “Old life,” meaning, a life without a child. I hear parents say this all the time. My brother, with four children of his own, laughs in my face when I say two words: I’m busy.
He argues, “Oh, Leese, you don’t know what busy is until you have kids.”
Mhph.
Well, perhaps it’s just another level of busy-ness that I have yet to understand. I do know, however, from sage advice passed down from old and new parents alike, that I should embrace these last few weeks of quiet, down time, doing as I please, and sleep.
I’m trying, but, it’s hard to appreciate what I’ve always had for about 30 years.
The weekends, though, are signs of what is to come.
Comparatively, my weekends have grown to be more domestic, more tasky, less flashy than my weekends of my twenties. A Saturday night in was usually a sign of a wild Friday night. Now, though, a Saturday night in is in order because my poor feet are swollen from walking around Giant Eagle from simple grocery shopping or following Nick around Home Depot while he picks up another space heater.
Not exactly a thrilling weekend, but somehow, it fits where we are right now.
I am beginning to believe that it’s the simple pleasures of life that deliver the most refreshing joy. Particularly when you’re pregnant, have a nasty cold, and can fall asleep at the drop of a hat.
Being at home, honestly, has forced me to actually DO things around the house I’ve been avoiding. Over this weekend, I FINALLY bought drapes that I actually like for our windows. Nick FINALLY installed our printer correctly which we’ve had for over a year. I FINALLY tried to make chocolate chip cookies for the first time in my life. And it’s these little things, working together on our home and yelling at the TV when stupid Texas beat Nebraska that makes these new kinds of weekends comforting, relaxing, and enjoyable.
So, let it begin – the quiet, the domesticity, the diapers, the “busy-ness” that my brother alludes to. Let it begin.
The Pregnant Process of Writing
I’m in the last few weeks of my pregnancy and I wish I could write like I used to. I’ve heard some women measure the differences pregnancy has made in their lives by their physical bodies, the hours of sleep they used to get, how their emotions change. One of the biggest changes for me has been my writing voice.
Perhaps it’s the draining of my memory or the lack of focus on one central issue that has prevented me from writing as I used to. Perhaps its the inward-ness I’ve experienced as a pregnant women. The lioness in me to outwardly roar into the ear of the world has been sleeping with her cub. Instead of love projected into activism, travel, writing, and conferences, my life is love put into daily self-care, methodical practices to prepare for a child, mental quiet to adjust to the radical life changes happening.
My writing is deepening and the evidence is not public. Writing has always been such a private locket for me; a small beautiful thing hanging close to my heart and writing, before it’s released to others, has always first transformed me before I let it out. This pregnancy, how I have come to grow with a life within me, has changed my perspective. All of the things I were before I still am, just in a profoundly different way. The awareness of another human could not be more pronounced than in the glowing and growing underbelly of a pregnant woman. There is not one step I take now without effort, not one night where I am restless and drained, not one breath I take that is not shared.
That awareness is a new writing tool, a new gift that I am still marveling in its sheath.
In the next few weeks, a new chapter of my life will begin and I am deliciously terrified of how that will unfold. I worry that I will not be able to write as much, or as well, ever again with new parenting responsibilities. I am afraid that my life will move in a direction that closes the spaces I once reserved for writing. To some extent, I’m sure that is true – a childless schedule typically lends itself to more freedom than a woman with a newborn – but if there’s one thing I have learned from the past eight and a half months is that there are some things in life, there are some things that simply call for trust.
And love always leads the way. Love led me this far to birth this child.
Love will lead me back to writing well.
The Last Weeks of Pregnancy
I wish there was some sensible and orderly manner to communicate the 9 billion things going through my brain as of late. It’s not a frenzy of thought, it’s just there are SO many things Nick and I are doing and trying to accomplish that it feels almost limiting to try and communicate even a handful of what those things are…Perhaps that’s why blogging our lives in the month of November was such a struggle. There’s almost too much to say and too little time and even less energy to try.
But, we’re not quitters – I’m a determined blogger.
It’s December and, likely, Isaiah’s birthday month. Lately, our doctor appointments have been confirming what I have been guessing for the past several weeks: this kid’s huge. Or, at least, he has huge limbs.
On our last appointment, his weight was in the 70th percentile of babies his age, but his head, dear Lord, HIS HEAD is what we need to be concerned about. His noggin is measuring in the 90th percentile.
Dude.
90th percentile.
Who even has a head that big?
(Nick kindly reminded me, when I asked him that question, that Isaiah’s mom has a big head.)
So, Isaiah has Borchers feet and a Factora head.
I don’t know whether to laugh or pray for him.
So, we just keep truckin’ along, my doctor’s appointments are now on a weekly schedule and we have another ultrasound next Thursday to take some more measurements, make some more decisions. Obviously, an enormous head and little bit of a bigger body may have some problems being birthed by a woman who is only 5’2.5 with a smaller pelvic region.
I knew I should have never married a tall German/Irish/Frenchman.
Sleep has slowly grown into a small nightmare. I am routinely up at least 3 times a night. If it’s not a stuffed up nose (blame the estrogen that causes this syndrome in 30% of prego women), it’s a really dry throat that leads to hacking my lungs out (blame our wonderful space heaters), or it’s time to empty the bladder (that’s just Isaiah pressing against all my organs), or it’s that I am JUST UP, sniffing around the refrigerador for fresh pineapple and a gallon of water. Or, in the middle of the night, a nice bout of heartburn or acid reflux decides to pay a visit and I end up vomiting a portion of dinner. My mom told me she had the same exact issues in the last month of pregnancy as well.
My legs look like two stuffed pillows in pink boots. I have two new precious pimples on my face. My hands are either tingling, numb, or swollen – forcing me to painfully remove my wedding ring for the next few weeks. A caterpillar could officially beat me in a foot race and I cannot reach for anything to save my life. “Nick, can you grab that bowl on the third shelf for me?” “Nick, can you scratch my ankle?” “Nick, can you pick that sock up off the floor?” But the worst part, OH, the worst part has been THE ITCHY ABDOMEN.
I know that the skin is stretching, the colder air dries everything out, but the itching has been nothing short of maddening, simply maddening.
I bought three bottles of extra, intensive, for extra-dry skin lotion and will dump a very generous amount onto my hand. In one stroke across the universe that is my belly, the lotion has already been swallowed up.
Somedays I wonder if it just might be better to sleep in a tub of Curell lotion.
But all the little irritations and annoyances of these last few weeks cannot alter the simply AMAZING journey I have had in this pregnancy. I still have a little bit to go, but overall, it’s been a low maintenance, high excitement 9 months that has left me and Isaiah healthy and happy.
Sure I’m now seeking cupcakes and chocolate like a dog looks for a bone, but to watch Isaiah roll around, pushing and prodding his way into this world makes me smile (or cry out of over emotion) and I just thank God for this wonderful gift of life that Nick and I have been blessed with.
Isaiah, my sweet little boy, we’re ready.
The Maguindinao Massacre
Deeply reflecting on this and too entrenched in my thoughts to write.
Thanksgiving 2009
Thanksgiving 2009 in a brief summary of bulleted words:
local
delicious
preggers
gluttonous
beautiful