Me to Nick: I think we should practice giving Isaiah the epipen in case he eats a peanut or has a bad reaction to something and can’t breathe. We should be ready. No fumbles.
Nick: (slowly looking at the epipen package) Okaaay, it says right here..ah, yes..right here, it reads ‘PRACTICE PEN.’
Me: Good. Let’s practice…(clears throat before screaming and picking up Isaiah off the floor) NICK! ISAIAH’S NOT BREATHING! GRAB THE EPIPEN!
Nick: (doesn’t move, still reading instructions)
ME: Let’s do that again. The point of the drill is that you, you know, act it out. Do it. NICK! ISAIAH’S NOT BREATHING! GRAB THE EPIPEN!
Nick: Mhm, it says right here (slowly) ‘reeeemooovveee the bluuuuuuueeee caaaaaap’
Lisa: I’m not impressed by your speed whatsoever.
Nick: Stick it against the thigh and press. wait until you hear the click. (practices on own thigh)
Lisa: Gimme that. (practices on Nick’s thigh)
Nick: If we’re practicing, why are we practicing on my thigh?
Lisa: Oh, right.
(gently pulls Isaiah’s thunder thigh and moves pen to his thigh)
Isaiah: Meeerr. BaDaDOOOEE.
Lisa: He doesn’t like it.
(Nick begins pulling Isaiah’s pants down to practice epipen on thunder thigh)
Lisa: You don’t need to remove clothing. This should go through all layers.
Nick: Are you kidding? I’m removing his pants. I want that stuff to go through as quick as possible if we need to use it.
Lisa: It’s made to go through clothing. I saw the video for this. It goes through denim or whatever.
Nick: What’s that thing that you stick in someone’s heart so that they breathe? Why don’t we have that?
Lisa: A needle with adrenaline? Are you insane? This is real life, this isn’t Pulp Fiction.
Nick: This could be Pulp Nonfiction.
Isaiah: Meeerrrrr. BADOO.
Lisa: Look, see? You upset him. He thinks we’re going to put a syringe in his heart. Nice parenting skills.