It was time to pull a new Purpose card out of the deck. You know, the poetic randoms that leave one wondering, “Should I have pursued culinary school instead of taking that LSAT course? What could have been…or SHOULD have been…ahh…”

I pulled EMERGE from the deck. Frowning, I forgot to do my ritual of closing my eyes and going where my hand leads me. I did it again.

EMERGE emerged again. I nearly squealed with my serendipitous luck. Here’s what it says:

So, we’re almost through January Spectacular 2007 and here’s what’s new:

• My new nephew is reported to be a very good boy and has a regular Filipino appetite. That means he latches on to his Mama’s breast and won’t stop feeding himself.

• Adonis is working his patookis off and therefore pissing me off. But, it’s Ministry – how can you blame the job? Everyone is in need of spiritual guidance. But no one moreso than me.

• I ate a turkey salad yesterday and I think the turkey was bad because, today, I have not left the bathroom for more than 43 minutes before I have to go back. Humiliating. I had to leave a meeting early.

• All applications are in and are currently being perused by lofting admissions people. Adonis and I should know in the next couple of months what the hell is going on.

• Teaching is getting better. The first paper is due today and I’m a hard grader, so we’ll see how much hate mail I can gather in 48 hours once papers are returned.

• I’ve become a HUGE fan of The Search for a White Rapper, a terribly bad MTV show that I watched over the weekend at Adonis’ parents’ place. My favorite feature? An enormous mayonnaise jar that had a screeen in the middle of it that says, “You’ve got MAYO,” when there is a message for participants.

• Dude, I’m getting buff. My trainer has me lifting and I love the feeling of strength training. I’ve never done it this steadily before in my life. I feel strong, healthy, and totally capable to kick anyone’s ass.

• Speaking of kicking ass, my new camera is ripping my life apart with its creative genius. Yesterday, I walked into my favorite coffee shop and told the manager that I was doing a photography project on the inside and ambiance of coffee shops and asked if I could take pictures inside. She said, of course, YES. And between the poetry-ed walls and huge African statues, I had plenty of material. I’ll post them soon.

• I have one month left of my golden year. 28 will soon be here and I am ready for it. I am preparing a speech for myself that I will deliver in my living room at 9:21pm on 2/27. I think Adonis will be the only one in attendance. Perhaps I will copy the speech and post here as well.

I once read a book, probably 15 years ago, that left a deep impression on me. What I remember about it are two things: 1) I loved it and 2) questions of any order are necessary and invaluable.

Bingo asks questions in Seinfeld fashion. It’s about nothing and awesome all at once. My favorite page of the book is the one that has drawn-out details of Bingo’s footpath from his desk to the pencil sharpener that would waste the most time in class and also so he could walk by one of his three crushes. The book is about nothing. I completely resonated with its futile wonderings.

So, I am going to resurrect the Burning Questions. Beginning with this:

Is it wrong, truly wrong, to hate something when there is no resolution, no possible confrontation, closure, or even a revisit to make it right?

I took this picture in New York a few years ago. It’s vital to have a sense of humor when dealing with students.

I was one once myself.

And may, one day, return.

It’s interesting to be on the other side now. Clamoring for their dedication and attention. It’d be easy to get all hellbent and hurt when they blow you off or act like gargoyles in the back of the room, hating you because you’re actually making them think.

But, I have a sense of humor, too.

My friend Nadine would often run her eyes over my face and say thoughtfully, “You are so odd.” A hug would follow.

I’ve been thinking about oddities lately, wondering if my students will pick them up, if that’s a positive or negative thing.

I looked down at my work snack, an enormous bag of shelled peanuts which I crack open and inevitably dust myself with peanut dander. This bag is the size of a tire.

In graduate school, everyone carried a water bottle. In terms of carting assorted items around, I am a minimalist. I hate carrying around wallets, purses, bags, and extraneous stuff. I think it says something about the way you approach your life if you’re constantly carrying THINGS. Like, you can’t survive without it or something.

In lieu of a Nalgene, I carried a cup with me. Acquaintences and friends lovingly laughed at my bringing a cup to class. Well, why the hell not? It forces me to finish my water when I have to leave, it’s lighter than a freaking bottle of water, and the water fountain is always available to refill it with new, cool water. A cup! How novel.

I love cleaning my and anyone who will let me windshield wipers at the gas station and take jewelry off so often that I lose earrings and bracelets within weeks of buying them. I buy scrapbook stuff on sale even though I have yet to make a scrapbook, sleep with clothes that I MIGHT put on during the night, and have reoccuring dreams since I was 11 about Michael Meyers. Bad movies are the ones I cannot tear away from and I would die to meet Sylvester Stallone.

I sing scales in the car to improve my voice even though I know I’m way off, write songs about wanting to write books, and self-debate every freaking 4 months if I should spend the extra money for what I really want at the grocery store: Charmin. I never buy it.

An artist once told me, “You’ve got to embrace your weird. That’s key to good art.” Meaning, celebrate your quirks and off-ness.

Celebrate your weird.

Word.

Restlessness, a mature squirm, has hit me recently. My blog colors are reflecting that. Tomorrow I might go crazy and showcase a chartreuse background. I’m sorry if you are color-blind. Those comments are assuming you can distinguish the difference.

Because I am mature, I will not comment on the depressive cloud hovering over my state after the little toddler spanking of a BCS Championship Bowl defeat we experienced last night. go bucks. (It’s intentional – no capital letters.)

Pinned on my humongous corkboard on my wall at work, there is a white marbled frame. Inside this frame is a card with a bright drawing of a footpath trail and walker. There is a little person, unknown gender, who has packed a small bag and small blanket and chooses to go left at a Y in the road. There is a sign at the Y of the footpath. The walker has two choices, two arrows pointing opposite directions.

I seriously almost vomitted my pita after I read this.

Heaven help me.

So, the big Nan is the Speaker of the House, the most powerful woman in the United States, and some argue, the world.

These are historical moments in my life, ones that my kids will be reading about in their textbooks. However, the droning Katie Couric doesn’t always match my dissenting sentiment.

As a citizen, I should be happy and proud that a woman is Speaker. As a woman, I should be full of hope and anticipation for what this might do for our country. As the person that I am, I shrug. When is it news that white women move forward? When is it a historical day when a white woman, married for 43 years with 5 kids, 6 granddies – gets to hold a huge hammer head and surround herself with fair skinned children and say we’re on to bigger and better things. I suppose that Pelosi is supposed to stand for all women advancing. RIGHT. I think I heard that somewhere else… — oh yeah –…it was in the history of the Women’s Movement when middle-upper class white women assumed they spoke the atrocities of concerns of all women – including women of color, lesbians, single mothers, the poor, young, and illiterate women and transgendered individuals out there. We’re all one, let us unite. Right. I’m not advocating separatism, but I am advocating for equality, not blind assumption.

It’s a step in the right direction, do not misunderstand me. But it’s a step solely for gender. Not race, certainly not creed or ethnicity.

As it is for women of color and other women who are still “working and not just waiting” for the day when they see a woman who resembles and understands their plight, we’ll have to make do with what we’ve got. It’s a step, but it’s a lot smaller than we think.

I stopped doing New Year’s resolutions about four years ago and, instead, began coming up with themes for the year. I pick a theme and revisit it several times throughout the year and try to live up to the ideologies I had in mind when I came up with it.

2003 Health in all Forms

2004 Onward and Upward

2005 Authenticity

2006 Courage

2007 Spectacular!

Last year, Courage meant going the extra step and taking the time to say what I truly meant. This has taken many forms. One, there’s therapy – I force myself to admit things that are difficult and must work through. Two, there’s standing up for yourself. Mhmm, I could still work on that. Three, there’s talking back to sales people who usually bulldoze over me because I have an irrational fear of confronting sales folks in Macy’s, gas stations, or Best Buy. I rocked the schizzle on this one in 2006. It’s hard work, but it’s always worth it.

This year, Spectacular! takes on a very different form then my preceding themes. Spectacular! isn’t something I necessarily want to have or believe in – it’s my goal to build Spectacular! things, relationships, and self in 2007. This is beginning with drinking more water, preparing for the next day, choosing to love, and learning to let go of anchoring grudges. Not easy, but what is?

Spectacular! is very fitting for a number of reasons. First, Adonis and I will be getting the hell out of this city in 6 months and moving on. Holy Spectacular!. Thank you Jesus.

I have decided that if doctoral programs don’t work this year, I am going to be pursuing writing and photography full time. Now THAT’S a Spectacular! decision on my part. I feel happier already.

And – how do I put this – 2006 was the most difficult year I’ve ever lived in my life. MAN! The transitions, the inner battles with mundane commutes and depression, understanding how this whole adulthood and marriage thing works, the reality that life is not guaranteed to give me anything but a shot and it’s up to me to take it – all of it…it was so hard last year. Adonis and I both believe 2007 will be our year, a year of taking off the bandaids. The healing is over and mobility and energy shall now commence.

Spectacular!, in a nutshell, is unsinkable hope.