Dear adrienne,

Forgive the staccato, unrelated points in this letter with no transition: it’s day 2 and I’m noticing everything.  My ability, though, to put it all together, is nil.

I notice how after I eat, even when I’m satisfied and no longer hungry, I notice the Want comes alive.  I Want something crunchy, salty popper in my mouth.  I like the feel of crunch against my teeth, grinding in the back.  And cauliflower doesn’t have the same zing.  I keep asking myself why I’m doing this, why am I putting myself through this when there are so many other ways – less restrictive than this path – that would deliver similar results.  To be truthful, I don’t know why but the challenge of it entices me to keep going.

I face day 3 tomorrow and am scared.  I’ll be traveling for three days, and although I have the support of my partner and frenzy of my little one to keep me busy and occupied, I’m worried about the road.  I’m worried about the Want overtaking.  But I’m packing healthy alternatives and will keep my journal on hand to jot down the times and moments that I’m craving.  The Want is strongest around 2pm.  What’s funny is that I’m not a sweet tooth.  I’m not a big chocolate eater, I can’t really stand oversweetness, and am allergic to a lot of tree fruits.  What’s hard to say no to are the carb loaded tempations of rice, gourmet breads, a touch of boursin on a cracker, and pasta.  Things that aren’t inherently bad for you, but the indulgence of them will toxify the body with sugar.

I drank coconut water today and didn’t realize it had a little bit of sugar in it.  Natural, of course, but sugar nonetheless.  I felt like a failure and dreaded the idea of starting all over again  I noticed the failure feeling and wondered where it came from, why would I let one unintended mistake set me back.  I ran into the perfectionism. I noticed it and moved on.  I’m not starting over.  I’m continuing. Tomorrow. Day 3.

This past Sunday I celebrated Easter, a time of renewal and celebration in my faith.  I was able to enjoy it reasonably without an overabundance of sugar.  Everywhere I look I notice how much we, as a society, consume that is not real or natural.  It’s made me question how much of my life is real and natural.

My family just completed an epic purge to prepare for our impending move and I never felt better about letting go, and moving toward a vision of myself that is healthier, less reliant, even, and deliberate.  I don’t know where this cleanse is taking me, and I truthfully don’t even know why I’m insistent on doing it now…but it feels right.  It feels timely.

I’m resisting the urge to keep apologizing for my writing — I’m tired and feel strange.

Thanks for being in this world, adrienne.

Lisa

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Breakfast: egg white omelette, dollop of guacamole

Lunch: quinoa, chili with grassfed organic beef, fresh spinach

Snack: greens salad w/ grilled chicken, hot tea

Dinner: brown rice, shitaake mushrooms, lemon chicken

Dessert: T of peanut butter