Someone made a remark to me several weeks ago, a compliment about my marriage, “It seems like you and Nick are the perfect couple.  You share the same faith, you believe in the same things, you both excel in what you do.  You seem like you would never struggle.  You just seem perfect together.”

In the context of relationships, especially marriage, what does it mean to appear perfect?

I suppose for the man who told me this, my seemingly perfect marriage is based on the outward and expressive love and respect Nick and I give one another.  In many ways, I have realized in the past several weeks, we lead a very public life.  Job-sharing one full time position in a dynamic and vibrant church puts your marriage in the eyes of thousands. In some ways,  we don’t really have the luxury of privacy.  Often times our public presentations about faith and sacraments force us to truly reflect on its meaning in our lives and we are, then, indirectly forced to disclose stories, habits, history, and harmless secrets to our congregation.  I realized this when I led a baptism class this weekend, and led a group discussion on what it means to consider someone “holy.”  I just kept thinking of Nick.

And I shared that thought.

But to say we are “perfect” in any way is plain ludicrous.  There’s no such thing as perfection in relationships.  It is a continuous process of getting to know the other person and creating your life together.  Those decisions are easy.  Those decisions are hard.  Life gives you both.

But the one thing I can say about my relationship to Nick that sets our marriage on fire: we respect the heck out of each other.

We couldn’t be more different.  We couldn’t respond to anything in the same way, but we couldn’t be more in love with each other.  Respect is allowing the other what they really truly need from time to time and taking on whatever consequences or sacrifices it entails.

And when we take the time to breathe and look at one another, we are grateful for the other.  Endlessly grateful.

We shine with respect and gratitude.  That’s what has the illusion of “perfection” in marriage.  But it’s not perfections, it’s better: it’s love.