An article on AlterNet by Greta Christina entitled the Five Things Society Unfairly Expects of Men has sent me into a mild, eyebrow raising rage.  Here are the bullets that Christina’s article outlines as the Five Things Society Unfairly Expects of Men:

1. Make Money

2. Win, win, win!

3. Be Physically Strong

4. Fix Stuff

5. Get It Up

Mhm, it never ceases to amaze me how westernized, US-centric and outdated is media’s portrayal of feminism.  Christina argues that:

…people who care about feminism ought to care about how sexist gender roles hurt men; partly because we’re human beings, with a sense of justice and compassion for one another regardless of gender, and partly because the cause of feminism can only be helped by convincing more men that it’ll be good for them, too.

Well, I agree with one thing there: sexism hurts everyone and unlocking the systematic roles and prejudices we inflict upon one another not only addresses core issues of freedom and rights, it unleashes the power to liberate ourselves and one another.

In a nutshell: yeah, fighting sexism is good for everyone.

But, here’s the problem in Christina’s argument:  this article points out all the things that sexism does to men, but raises these issues in a manner as if they are in addition to the problems sexism inflicts upon women.

Example:

Make money.  Yes, men are still largely expected to be the breadwinners of the hetero-normative nuclear family unit.  Yes, men are expected to be the “providers,”  but, women are often expected to be BOTH the provider and the caretaker.  Isn’t it somewhat curious that more women are enrolling in higher education and receiving degrees at higher rates then their male counterparts, and, supposedly a college degree increases your money making power, yet women overwhelmingly populate the trenches of welfare and poverty?  Women, who are often multitasking roles of motherhood, employee, student, and fillintheblankofwhateverneedstogetdone represent a whopping 57% of college students on American colleges since 2000, and still make less than their male counterparts once they are employed.  It may be an unfair expectation of men, yes, but the sexist reality is that it’s women who have dual existing responsibilities: make money and care for families.

And yes, women on average earn less than men, but that becomes even more stratified when you analyze race as well.  The ugly truth of sexism is that, yes, while men may be expected to earn money, it is women who are working and are paid less and women of color who are paid the worst.  It is single mothers who are often working to make ends meet and staying above water.  So, yes, Greta Christina, I, too, would welcome any and all men to put an end to sexism, so long as they understand it’s not just the unfair expectations of men that are of concern.  Maybe we can glean a more sobering reality of the financial aspects of sexism if we take a look at working mothers who tend to be discriminated against when trying to get back into the workforce or if you are a working and pregnant resident of Massachusetts and are now only protected for eight weeks of maternity leave to return to your position.

Winning, being physically strong, fixing stuff, and sexual performance are not just expectations of men, they are sexist depictions of what men should be in a sexist coordinated dance of how women should be as well.  They are in tandem, not in addition.

Men cannot be expected to be strong without women being expected to be weak.  Men cannot be expected to win without women being expected to not be competitive.  Men cannot be expected to fix stuff without women being expected to be entirely unknowing with it comes to mechanics.  Men cannot be expected to have a wild testosterone guerrilla-like sexuality without expecting women to be demure virgins.  Men are prized for their stoic facades and women are expected to be emotionally articulate.

These expectations especially flourish and deepen for men and women of color when it comes to sexuality:  black men are expected to be uncontrollable sex fiends while black women are Jezebels. Asian men are less attractive, less sexual beings while Asian women are subservient, fetish toys in the bedroom. The list goes on and on…

That’s the deception and stealth of sexism, it feeds off of what is deemed socially acceptable, and when someone or thing strays from that path of normality, they are are harassed, fired, threatened, discriminated against, or even killed.

Sexism varies in its destruction, from the mild to the severe and I, intentionally, focus on women because my experiences and observations of life have afforded me a belief that it is women who bear the brunt of violence, poverty, structural discrimination, and enslavement.  Whether that’s because of workplace harassment, racist and sexist depictions in media, or sex trafficking of mother/daughter families – sexism hurts us all, but it’s women that it most often kills.  It’s not about listing the top five of anything because all the harmful factors of sexism work together and leads us to false identities of masculinity and femininity.  It’s about the perilous manner that these expectations work together and influence what and who we desire, love, appreciate, and seek in ourselves, relationships, supervisors, friends, partners, and our families.  Not only do we come to standardize behavior based on our gendered expectations, we celebrate gendered behaviors in our daily rituals, religions, and beliefs.  And then we demonize whatever or whomever doesn’t fit in these snug expectations of male or female.  Just ask anyone who identifies transgender or individuals who feel that their minds and bodies do not fit into these boxes of identity.  Ask anyone who is gay about what expectations are heaped upon them; how gender-norming impacts expectations of how they are “supposed” to behave as a gay man; how they are “supposed” to be as a lesbian or queer-identified woman.  Or, if he could speak, ask the 17 month old boy who was beaten to death by a babysitter for acting like a girl.

Sexism isn’t just about forming our expectations.  It’s about forming our belief system about what is normal and acceptable.  And when those boundaries are crossed, the punishment are horridly severe, and sometimes fatal.

And so, Greta Christina, while I am not playing Oppression Olympics and pooh-poohing the plight of men in American society, I do urge all those who publicly reflect on the effects of sexism to remember that sexism works in pairs.  Like a railroad.  Two steel rods, opposite one another trying to keep everyone in line and on track.  And while I agree that we ALL are held captive and endure sexist expectations, when we blink and those expectations become reality, it is often women, particularly women of color, who pay the dearest of prices.