Pregnancy has stripped my cells of all traces of caffeine and alcohol. But instead of sobriety, this scatterbrain syndrome of pregnancy has set in.

You know that horrible feeling when you see a patch of fog when you’re driving and realize that at ANY MOMENT YOU CAN VEER OFF THE ROAD because you can’t see one inch in front of you? That’s the state my brain has been in since I have been pregnant.

“Lisa – can you mail these letters on your way to work?”

Of course.

Five days later, the envelopes are still sitting on the table and I’m wondering, “Mhm, what are these?”

I was hoping the sobriety of my life would lead me to a higher clarity, like, I would wake up in the morning KNOWING something profound and rare. Hidden gems of knowledge. The exact location of over the rainbow. The formula for the sticky glue of post-it notes. Who really assassinated Kennedy.

No. None of that.

Pregnancy has dropped these really mundane rolls of weight gain and Babies R Us visitations in my lap and I have realized a few things about me. One of the disturbing truths is

I am not as badass as I thought.

With this new clarity, one thing I DO see is how ridiculously UNbadass I am. Sure, I have the audacity to ask unnerving questions to just about anyone and try to keep my guts in every decision I make. I kickbox. And then get choked up during the bridge of Gloria Estefan’s “Here We Are.”

Or jam to Bananarama.

Pregnancy hormones can cloud your mind, but the detox of caffeine, alcohol, and any stimulants can really move your pupils inward.