When I said I do

I didn’t know what it meant
I thought I did

I thought it meant
I do love you
I do want you
I do believe in this

I didn’t know it meant endless days of trying
And not knowing what we were trying for
Or how to choose a future together that may
Not agree with either of our past dreams
I didn’t know who would later come into my life
And make me wonder so soon
I didn’t know I do means
I do know I will doubt myself, and you
I do fight with myself more than I fight with you

I didn’t know it would mean spiritual mountains
And verbal misses
And monthly visits on domestic responsibilities
I didn’t know it would mean more crossroads than
Entryways
More unknowing than ever

Did you know what you meant when you said I do
Did either of us realize the humbling task of loving
The call to let go of ourselves for the sake of the other
I didn’t.

Does anyone?

Does anyone truly understand that I do means you do agree
To not only love, but pain and jealousy and doubt
To not only faithfulness, but the mindfulness that comes with truthfulness
To live not in harmony, but in effort to constantly strive

I promised I’d be these things, and more
I swore before all, and even before G*d
That I would live beyond myself, learn to love beyond June
And all the things that brought us to that day
With that ring, I wed an entire symphony of mystery
And unknowing

I didn’t know who I would be, who I’d grow into
And whether I’d even like her, but I swore
I pushed a circle onto your hand and my voice
Cracked with heaviness, the weight of the moment
Perhaps my voice could glimpse what was to come
But I didn’t know, I only hoped

There is so much unknown in a promise
That it’s a wonder they are ever made
Maybe that’s why they’re so easily broken

There is nothing stopping me from leaving,
Except this promise I made years ago
Years before June
Years before that kiss, the wide smile
Not to you
But to myself
Not to G*d
But to me

The promise that I would do this
And do it beautiful
I promised myself I was worth this
Worth the struggle
Worth giving a damn and I was worth
Not knowing, not figuring it out all at once
My life mattered more than grabbing easy answers
And holding onto scribbled notes that don’t reveal much

I promised long before you came, long before you arrived in my life
I knew the kind of love I wanted for myself,
the kind of fire I would build in my existence
The kind of freedom I needed
The kind of freedom
I needed

The promise I made is not binding, the promise is a reminder
A reminder that I saw something rare, something I knew I wanted
Love
And I promised to live and grow and fall and agonize to become that
Love
A force stronger than pain and more consuming than confusion
I promised myself first

And then to you.

-2.11.07